Firstly, thank God that I passed my math placement test and I'm waived from Pre-calculus, which leaves me the possibility of not delaying my graduation.. Praise the Lord!

Secondly, I'm still very happy for Baby that everything's going well for her and how blessed she is with God's love... Though I don't really see her online that often.

Speaking of which, on my way back from Ambler, while I was listening to God's wonders, many thoughts and emotions circled around my heart and mind.. Troubles will never go away until I lift everything unto Him to work things out right and I know He will..

Sometimes I really wonder, what is christianity to me? I know that without Christ, I am none, and it's true, if there weren't God, Adam and Eve would never had existed, I would never have existed. He gave me life and he gave me breath. He gave me everything that no one could ever ask for. But what really is Christianity? Why are there so many denominations when the ultimate reach is still God. The spiritual warfare is not present between God and the devil, it's more like between Christians themselves. Roomie said before that Pastors are no longer becoming a role model. Some say one thing, but they do another thing.. So how else can we trust that the workers that the pastor is preaching to, will not be like them?

Having been converted and born into God's world for 9 years, I've never attended church, probably 2-3 times in Singapore and thereafter almost every week since I came to Philadelphia. But the feelings were never there. I didn't feel His presence, but I did have visions of Him in a way. Did I make them out or God really did help me? I know that going to church is very important to be even closer to God and His workers and to listen to His words, His iobs for us to spread the miracles and love. I know that having intimate relationships with God and with His workers allows me to be peace at heart and find answers to His calling... But somehow, it never worked out for me....

Come to think of it, life was going pretty better when I didn't attend church or cell group (religiously) back home. My faith did grew stronger because of some if not most situations. Baby is not a christian, she doesn't go to church but she had so much faith in God that she's showered with blessings and so much more of His love. And as baby mentioned, some people may proclaim they are christians but they are not behaving like one.

But how should Christians behave? What is appropriate and what is not?? Over the years, preaching the gospel seemed to have gone 'wild'. Some people think it's appropriate to preach like this, some don't think it is. Some says it's not preaching but it's sharing.. I get frustrated when people think I'm making excuses not to go to church and they just kept forcing it on me when I have a situation at home! As the commandment goes "Honor your father and mother." So you'll say God will understand when you disobey. How about God will understand that you're abiding by the commandment??


Should I continue to go to Church when my life ain't really going smoothly, and judging from the past, maybe I shouldn't.. I really don't want to feel like I'm dragging myself to His shelter anymore but I know eventually I will want to. But when is that day coming?? I really don't know. There's tons of questions in my head, and no matter how hard I tried to search for the answers, they were never satisfying and more questions will just spring up time to time.. Then people will say, "Read the bible." Everything is written in the bible. But the bible is written by men. How much things in the bible are truth and lies? If christians should not believe in pre-marital sex, then why do some still do it, and yet they received blessings in their life. If christians should not do this and that, but there are still some who will go against the Word, yet they are still living in blessings of God. I've been contemplating too long about reading the Bible..


I'm affected by the surroundings especially the people around me. Is it just me or is the congregation ain't that friendly? It's so different back home where people just go around talking to anyone even after service. Everyone here only seeks the familiarity.. I guess I am too but I do feel very very awkward after service and all I could do is to leave quietly and head back home and tuck into my bed to calm my feelings down. Cell groups were pretty much a torture for me - that's when I become dumb. I have no idea what to share. All I could do was listen and have tons of questions springed onto my head but I just couldn't get it out of my mouth. Even if it did, answers never satisfied my soul, I had more doubts instead. And this made me even more frustrated because they made me lose faith.. And frankly speaking, I really don't see myself fitting into a group of well-built friendship groups. I guess it will only freak me out or makes me feel even more left out. Not that I don't want to mix around, but it has never been in my 'blood' in a way to make the first move and when I do, I become 'autistic'.. I've tried but I'm too overwhelmed with anxiety and all I want to go back to -- familiarity...

I have to thank my brothers and sisters for being there in times of my unhappiness and issues with my relationship and I have to apologize for making both of them worry at times.. Maybe I need to step away for the time being until my heart and soul is ready for food. For now, I know I'm 'anorexic'. I'm not hungry but instead I feel sick at the sight of 'food'.. I need time.. How much time?? I don't know..


It seriously was a great time for the devil to take control ever since I came here, and I still think that it's a good time for it to take control now. I'm still having nightmares, really weird dreams, gore, bloody scenes, that they are becoming part and parcel of my sleeping habits. If the devil thinks it had achieved its goals, well maybe it has, but not completely.. Maybe it doesn't need a complete goal, but I still believe and know that God has and will triumph over the devil, because God is the Greatest of all.

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