Firstly, I would like to say that I've made my decision in going into university next fall 2008. which uni yet, I've still yet to decide.. currently have 3 in mind.. but am looking out for more.. will start to clear off the gen ed modules asap with Broward Community College in Singapore this coming august (hopefully they'll give me the results asap!). this way, it's better to get a degree soon and find a full-time job once and for all, and i don't have to worry about finding a good temp job bla bla bla..

next, i have an obsession.. a very unhealthy and bad obsession.. that is: being thin! realised that i've been weighing myself first thing in the morning after breakfast and last thing i'll do before i go to bed.. next, i'll start measuring my waist if it has lost any inches.. next is watching my diet.. have been eating like half a bowl of rice for dinner with some 1 or 2 side dishes.. and for lunch, sometimes an apple, if better enough, a bowl of porridge.. but of course not forgetting some pilates and stretching exercises.. all these to look good in clothes, being envious of the people around me who are so slim and beautiful in any clothes and build more self-esteem.. but does it work?? i did lose an inch or 2 on most parts (except for b**bs, which i desperately want to lose some), but i guess i didn't look healthy, and it seems like i'm getting more and more giddy sometimes, and my eye also starts to hurt (from too much computer screening??)

met 2 of my ex-colleagues and first thing they asked: did you lose weight?? haha.. am i glad to hear that? maybe yes but then the scale didn't change numbers.. but i'm still not satisfied with how i look, coz there's always someone better looking than me and that makes me really envious..

and i know that there will be people reading this and telling me to accept myself for who i am, be confident of myself and so on.. yes, i got your message since years ago, ever since i'm unhappy with the way i look.. but seriously, aren't you too unhappy with how you look sometimes? first thing i hear from most of the people: I'm fat! talk about being fat, i think i'm kinda bigger size than most of my friends.. so i guess hearing this sometimes, hurts me even more.. sigh..

watched the show by tyra banks a few days ago.. it was about their campaign "SO WHAT" and has definitely inspired many americans to step out and tell people "SO WHAT if I'm this and that! SO WHAT if i can't! SO WHAT if i can!" and many more SO WHATs.. am i inspired? yes and no.. guess there are a lot of different factors to be inspired and demoralised about it, which i shan't say coz there's just too many.. but one type of women that i'm super dupere envious of, is the japanese women.. just look at the actresses and models, they are so slim and light and their figures are really good (do i sound like some stalker or freak??), cna i achieve that?? maybe when i'm after 40 or maybe when i'm rich, and i'll opt for liposunction perhaps.. haha.. i guess maybe not..

(0) comments